How Did Derren Brown Predict The Lottery Numbers?

So, the internet is frothing with speculations about how exactly the magic man, Derren Brown, managed to predict the national lottery draw on live TV. Every wild and fanciful theory from split-screen technology to sleight of hand has been mooted.
However, after careful consideration, I’ve narrowed it down to the nine most likely explanations.

Derren’s magic brain drew on the balls from a distance. With a mind pencil.

A Monkey Butler
Unseen by the viewers, a trained monkey butler belonging to the novelist Dan Brown spidered down the rear wall of the studio, ascended the podium and scratched the numbers onto the balls with its little finger’s nail. Derren was able to give it signals from his position beside the telly.

Secret Gay Powers
We all know that Derren Brown is a gay, and who knows what secret powers these “gays” learn at their mysterious dancing clubs.

An Invisible Child
One of the less likely candidates. Derren’s producer gave birth to an invisible child before the show. The slumbering neonate was attached to strings and was manipulated by simple puppetry from the ceiling to pen the numbers onto the balls. Derren’s commands we’re relayed to the puppeteer by a tiny radio on his thumb.

Something Involving His Penis
Being a man, Derren has a penis. Many men learn to do quite spectacular things with their penis over the course of their long relationship with it. Who knows what form that relationship has taken in Derren’s case? Not me. Probably not you. Which leaves some kind of penis trick as likely as anything else.

We Dreamt It
At any time of the day, in half the world it is not a time of day at all. Rather it is a time of night, because it is night-time. At night time, people sleep. When people sleep, they dream. Is it not suspicious that Derren Brown performed his trick when half of the worlds population (an astounding 3.4 billion people) were asleep?

Helped By Sex Mice
Many have been the long, dark nights where I have lain awake wondering what exactly a sex mouse is. I still don’t know. All I can say, is that they are probably from the future. If I’m right about this, it’s certainly plausible that they have a book containing ALL the lottery numbers from the inception of the contest until the extinction of man in some terrible cataclysm. There’s no reason they can’t have given Derren this book (or at least some of the information in it) in advance of the show. He probably wouldn’t tell anyone about the sex mice, lest they think him mad.

Every day God answers the mental yells of over one hundred people. Brown has always claimed to be a staunch atheist, but perhaps this is all part of his funny little game. Petitioning God for help by thought would be a simple, silent and efficient way to get the numbers on the balls.

Sheer Bloody-Mindedness
Is it possible that Derren simply put on a brave face and just bloody well got on with it? Some certainly think so.


3 Responses to “How Did Derren Brown Predict The Lottery Numbers?”

  1. endlesspsych Says:

    Genius chief. Genius.

    But should we fear the sex mouse?

  2. Abrasive Shrub Says:

    Something involving the penis (and it must be the collective penis) of the sex mice, perhaps. Other than that, your hypotheses are ludicrous. The man is A Magic, quite simply.

  3. Mungo Rothschild Says:

    god doesn’t like gays. Therefore either the prayer theory or the gay theory have just been disproved.

    I can prove that I’m correct by showing you a bible.

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